One foot in front of the other.....

No truer word spoken!! So, my re-build, most definitely back at it.  Its a slow process as still substantially over-weight for what I am trying to achieve.  The positives are exciting though.  Since my visits to the physio my back is almost fully recovered, I'm not feeling any ill effects from my training and I feel soooooo mmmuuuccchhhh better each day.  My heel recovery seems to be a bit slower but the improvements are massive, I don't really suffer much now with it but I can still feel it a bit so I need to persevere with my rehabilitation strengthening exercises.  

What I'm loving is the fact that I can now get out and train, its not amazing stuff but at least I feel I'm now moving forward and progressing.  Yes I've had a setback but now I've just got to dig in and get back to where I want to be.  Just by being able to get back in the gym, not alone the running has improved my mental side of things.  My mindset is now fully focused and putting in the extra work required.  I'm just beginning my resilience training which should help pick me up a bit.

As Christmas is looming this means the Arc of Attrition is only around the corner, therefore my Christmas list is extensive or should I say very specific more to the point.  Due to the mandatory kit list there are a few items I need obtain plus a few upgrades needed.  Its actually quite exciting, I've opted for a bigger pack as I will be on my own with no crew on this adventure so I'll be carrying everything I need with only a few checkpoints and one drop bag for assistance.

Even now after 8 years from where I started my main motivations are to show my daughter what the human spirit can achieve when dig deep and look for something more.  I'm very much a believer in positive mindset and attitude, giving yourself the best chance possible and believing in yourself.  For most of us we have to learn these things, some people are naturally like this but does that come from there up bringing or life experiences!! We can definitely learning methods to help give us positivity but I think some people just laugh it or mock it but the simple things really do work.  Yeah sure it can feel forced at times but its about what you fall back on rely, such a positive comments, even little things when people ask how you are or how your day is going, rather than just say 'yeah not bad thanks', you could say 'yeah really good cheers' or 'brilliant thank you'.  What this does is builds a resilience wall as I like to think of it, and each brick I add keeps me where I need to be.  I don't even think about it now, so when it is harder or I need a bit of resilience i know how to cope with it.

My daughter is my motivator, my wife is my rock.  I will succeed in my pursuit of achieving not only the Hardmoors 160 but overall I will complete a 200 mile race.  May be not this year but I'm getting neaer everyday as my mindset is getting tougher and my body more resilient.  

I can, I will!!!

I CAN I WILL!!!

So not out of it yet..........

Yes you guessed it, I'm back in training and  remotivated with a vengeance.  I accept I'm not in a great place physically but it's almost like I enjoy that part of the challenge to, it makes me feel in control of my own body if that makes sense.  I'm not completely healed which is fine because I know this takes time, and in an ideal world I'd give myself longer before pushing on again, but I can't help myself. It feels good ha ha!!!!  My back is mending and I'm getting stronger each day.  I'm so much further on, I actually forgot what it was like to stand up straight, I feel 2 inches taller its fantastic. To not not feel pain every single day, getting out of bed, getting dressed, putting trainers on, getting in and out of the car etc etc its great!!

How have I re-started?

Well, I've listened I think that was the first step ha ha! I've taken in the advice given and what I've read up on.  Yes I know wow well done you lol!  The first step I've taken is to actually do the stretches and strength building exercises Jude (the physio) gave me, not only that I've done extra and pushed it once I felt the benefits.  Just the reduction in pain has been such a relief and a motivator.  I've now started doing some gym work as I just feel so weak and a bit shit physically. Once I started though, boom, its brilliant my legs are responding and I'm building my strength up.  I've missed the physical work, its not just the muscles and your physique its your mind.  It makes me feel happy, knackered yes but in a good way.

Last week as if by magic I got an email saying I'd got a place in The Grand Union Canal Race which is 145 miles from London to Birmingham, wow!  Scared and excited, and yes of course I accepted and off we go.  Now we have two major races lined up for next year and I'm getting my chance to do one of the most iconic Ultra Races in our country which has been on my list since the start.  Majorly excited and can't wait.  

My worry is that I now over do it in my overly eager ways to recover quick and push as hard as I can to become the best version of me possible.

How did I start I keep asking myself, was it through the love of running, no, it was through a burning desire and need to be better and show my daughter that you can be anything you want to be and achieve great things way beyond our initial limits or what we think are our limits.  What my life has shown me up to this point so far is that we can achieve far greater things and keep breaking down our own walls and barriers to become better versions of ourselves if we really want it. 

Its not over yet, my story is only just beginning!!! My journey has taken a few turns even dog leg corners lol but always moving forward!!

What do they say 'Impossible is nothing' which I agree with to a certain degree, but only with the love and support of my amazing wife.  Who always tells me exactly how it is, no BS!!!  

I CAN I WILL

ONWARDS!!!!

Starting again, or just a blip in the journey. Or is this the real test????

 I'm at a point where I'm not sure whether to just call it a day with a few things that my body is ultimately telling me I can't do.  I've had niggles and aches before which most of the time I accept as par for the course in what I do.  But when things are lasting over 9 months they start breaking your resilience down, questioning yourself, your motivation and desire.  I realise I'm not in my twenties but I'm not quite ready for my flat cap and slippers yet! Much to my wife's disappointment I'm sure ha ha!!  The question is tough, how do I get out of this rut I'm in? Overweight, again! fitness dropping rapidly!!! Motivation at an all time low!!!

First thing is to stop questioning if I can still do it.  Yes of course I can still do these things.  Maybe I need to train slightly different, do some research on my issues and add a different element to my training, adapt what I do to my age and body's restrictions.  Ask myself what it is I like to do and how important it is to my mental health, what makes me tick, and where do I go from here. 

What do I still want to achieve?

I'm content with my tennis but I feel I should always be trying to play, and play at the best level I can until I can't!  The problem with that is, time, practising and my failing body.  I still have to get through the week at work and that isn't much fun when constantly in pain with minor injuries affecting your basic movements.  The problem is for me to play well I need to be playing consistently and practising which I find difficult now so maybe this has to change for me to continue and stay inspired, motivated and involved.

My running has gone way past my initial goals and dreams of what I wanted and strived for so again I am happy with what I have done. But........... I just feel I can achieve the 160 if I can get all the elements right that I've work out I need to do it.  It is a big ask and I forget what a huge undertaking it is in not just my life but my whole family's.  What I also forget is what a massive thing it is to try, because I've been doing this so long now and taught myself to not get overwhelmed by the big numbers involved I've now forgotten what an incredible thing it is and think I need to just take stock of what I have achieved and the individual milestones I've pushed myself to do.  Just to achieve finishing such races as the MdS, Hardmoors 110 and Lakeland 100 on their own are massive but to have done all these plus more and then achieving the Hardmoors 1000 mile award was the icing on the cake.

Now I need to fix my body.  When I first began this journey I needed to heal what was broken inside, now I need to heal what is breaking on the outside.  Where my life has come in the last 10 years is just something that I couldn't imagine once but now I have an incredible wife supporting me that I love so so much and we have an incredible life I'm very lucky.  My amazing daughter who was and still is my inspiration and motivation. Initially all I was trying to do was to show her that if you put your mind to it, work hard, be disciplined then you can achieve great things.  I now have to two amazing step kids to motivate as well as to show my daughter that set backs happen but that is not what defines us, its how we cope and deal with these things and keep going even if we have further blips in the journey or days where we have to start the process again, and again if necessary.  We get up and give it 100% even with blips we can achieve our goals.

So yes its just another test, its a resilience to negativity test!  It's just another challenge right?  Part of the journey!  Its back to mind mountain, not all hills are to run up some we have to mentally climb.

So I think I once said, its all about small wins, bite size success and building blocks.  Its not going to be pretty for a while which I accept and until I figure out how to mend my body I have a chance to prepare myself the best I can with the things I can.

The only walls and barriers there are, are the ones we put up to make it easier to quit and choose the easy road.  The hard road leads to great things!!!

I'm not ready to quit!!

 Boom!!!

 Hardmoors 160 DNF, Lakeland 100 finished, Hardmoors 55 finished and Hardmoors 60 DNF!!!!

Its been a long tough summer, with races stacked up and injuries holding me back.  I've had a few niggles and one fairly bad injury that have just seemed to last forever.  My knee just did'nt get better and at first I thought I'd done some lasting damage but thankful I've come through it.  Its first test was the Hardmoors 160 which it was going to be a make or break situation.  There was no way around it, the knee wasn't right but I knew it would be ok to a certain degree.  It was ok as long as I didn't bend it too much but a slow run was ok, less pressure on it and sustainable.  My plan was to just try get through the first 50 miles protecting it as much as possible and pushing too hard and then by that time it would hopefully be warmed up and other parts of my body might be hurting by then to distract me from it ha ha!  Without doing a full race report, the HM160 went actually very well, I was on form for so long and feeling reasonably comfortable for so much and following my eating and drinking plan perfectly.  It all fell apart just after Kildale so between 120 and 130 miles.  I'd stopped and helped a fellow runner who was in a bit of a mess and needed assistance.  She was unable to continue and was gradually getting worse and worse and my fear was she'd start suffering with hyperthermia.  She was unable to call for help so I rang the medic and he asked me to carry to the checkpoint.  This was approximately 1.5-2 miles away, so no chance on my own lol!  Another guy was passing us and stopped to help, so we both carried her to Kildale and the medic.  I wouldn't change what I did as I'd hope someone would help me if in a similar situation, but what I didn't realise was how much energy it sapped from me and was one of the things that I think tipped me over the edge for a few reasons.  Anyway, my knee was fine, the body as a whole ached yeah sure and my legs were saw but that wasn't why I DNF'd.  The mind was a mess going up the hill out of Kildale, I couldn't keep my eyes open I was fighting with myself to stay awake but I was beginning to lose that battle.  After a few short breaks, sitting down in random places, fellow runners passing me quite often now by this point, I decided to call Sarah.  Oooops!  I never call her, not on purpose but my phone is never really accessible and I try to save the battery as I know it runs down quickly if on.  I couldn't speak coherently, my texts were short and distressing to her.  I was basically saying I couldn't keep my eyes open and I needed her to do something to help.  She obviously panicked and headed out to find me.  Anyway to cut a long story short, she eventually caught me up, she'd run from Kildale and I'd been expecting her from the other direction but she didn't realise I was still moving.  So after her initial hostile reaction to meeting me and almost killing me, we got to the car and Jonesy my mate who was helping us.  My mind was done I'd broken my positivity and the momentum had gone. I'd talked myself out of it, again arrrrggghhhh!!!!! 

 Oh wow what a day!

Firstly before I say any more I need to say how much I love my wife Sarah! If she didn't give up her greatly earnt time then I wouldn't be able to do most of this stuff, plus she puts up with me training and facilitates it.  My running definitely makes me a better person or even a happier person so making the effort to do it even when its a chore or awkward timing wise I know I'll be better for it.  Sarah comes out in the middle of the night, sleeps in the car, exhausts herself and looks after me which I am eternally grateful. I am very lucky!

So on to my run, loved it! Even the early start, the anticipation, the preparation, the learning outcomes, the glorious weather, the team work, the amazing route, the pain, the pleasure, the lows and the highs!  Since the Hardmoors 55 race had to be postponed due to Coronavirus I decided I wasn't going to let this stop me.  I knew I needed a long run done pre-160 and this was it.  I needed this not only to see how I faired physically but mentally I needed the confidence and reassurance that I was going to be able to cope ok on the route.  I know the route fairly well but its been a couple of years so a little recap is always good plus I wanted to learn a bit more in the first section where I was going to have to work harder and where I was just going to have to give it my best effort and try not to lose too much time.  From previous races the section coming from Slapewath Pub going into Guisborough woods is going to be a crucial point for me, so a little preparation is important here.  So my plan will be to get to get to Sarah who'll be waiting in the pub carpark for me after seeing me at Saltburn.  I intend to get a good feed here and refuel with a little sleep.  Then I'm going to attack the next section that mentally held me back last time, but not this time!

Saturday morning came and I was up at 4.30am to let Bertie the family dog out into the garden.  I was to get myself sorted and packed whilst having some breakfast and make Sarah her coffee, ready!! I woke her at 4.50am as was the plan so we could leave at 5.15 to allow me a 6am start.  As per normal I wasn't ready and we were behind schedule.  Once we arrived and I got myself sorted I headed off all keen and excited for my adventure that lay ahead.  I said my goodbyes and and Sarah waved me off still half asleep I think and off she drove.  That was it, I was on my own.  The sun was just up and it was nice and fresh, I felt good and got focused on the job in hand. The plan was to get a good overview of the route in the next couple of sections and workout how fast I need to go to get through it.  I wanted to see why I'd build it up in my head to be so hard, yet the reality was yes it was tough going but not nearly like I'd built it up in my head.  It was 2 miles of slogging it up hill to High Cliff Nab, now that I know that I can push myself that little bit harder as its not far and I know it will be over soon 30 mins worst case scenario remembering I'd have already done 105 miles by this point so fuel and salts will be important before this section. Power up here then its a section I have to push on with to get across to Roseberry Topping, ok I won't be racing up it but I can try and get across to it a little quicker than walking.  Then it will just be a matter of getting up and Roseberry without taking forever or falling and back up little Roseberry before heading to Gribdale and Captain Cooks Monument a few miles away.  Again very runnable once up little Roseberry so I have to make myself try harder here again so as to make up a little time.   Once I'd got over to Kildale I new I'd done the section that bothered me and that I wanted to learn more about.  I wanted a mental boost that allows me to look at it and not think this will be where I break, whereas now I'm thinking "it won't be there, that is not so bad and its not going to break me".  I went on to Blowarth Crossing and over the Wainstones but realised I was running out of water fast.  The sun was now beating down and yet again I was ill prepared for this and allowed it to bake one side of my head.  I was starting to worry about the water situation with being mindful about savering each drop.  I had a little plan or hope that I'd be able to refill my reserves at Lordstones camping park where I knew there was a toilet block, for residents, but I just preyed I'd get a top up.  Luckily as I staggered up to it I spyed an outdoor tap which by now was going to save my life.  I filled all the bottles and poured some over my sun baked head, wow it was hot.  Off I went towards scarth moor woods with Osmotherly in my sights.. This was another section I was weary of and keep building up in my head so again I wanted quash all the negativity around these areas.  The best way to deal with this is to just be prepared for them and have little stratergies.  It works, its still hard but you break them down from being monsters and making them more not necessarily happy places but nicer and achievable and undemonise them if that's a word lol!

 I made it through to Osmotherly in fairly decent shape and time was ok. Sarah was there after I eventually found her, hiding round a corner out of the way.  As ever she had everything there for me tending to my needs and Bertie the dog was with her and very excited to find me there.  It was a great  chance to just have a break and refocus, refuel and then head up the hill to Square corner.  Again this was a little section that I have built up in my head and making it horrific.  The reality is, its not that bad I've just got to get it done but allowing myself enough time to struggle up it rather than race against the clock as this is a cut-off check point and if I'm getting this far then I'm finishing.  I've been there before on the 110 and been timed out.  Its not a nice feeling and its not going to happen again!!!!  Once up the hill and another mini catch up with Sarah and Bertie I pushed to get the last 22/23 miles done.  In theory this is the easy bit as you've done the hard work and its just a matter of running down the miles.  It definitely felt good being able to run for long sections and feel like your getting somewhere, so the time and the miles were flying by.  Unfortunately I had still done 32 tough hilly miles beforehand so fatigue was creeping in what felt quick to me was actually not that fast lol!  What pleased me though was the desire to be running and the bodies willing to keep going.  It would be easy to feel broken at this point and to just plod out the remaining miles, but I wanted more, I wanted to push myself at this point because in the 160 I will sill have a 100 miles to go :)

I had been given strict instructions to call Sarah at 6pm and give an indication of what time I'll be finishing.  As always I'm very optimistic with this so Sarah has learnt to just add a bit more on to whatever I say so in this case an extra 30 to 45 mins.  I got myself finally to Sutton Bank and on to the White Horse car park where it was just starting to get dark which was going to change everything.  The fun was disappearing gradually as was the sun.  On to Cold Kirby and Rivaulx which now was just a going through the motions exercise and trying to keep pushing right to the end not letting up and walking it out.  This was not acceptable.  I ran down the hill into Helmsley feeling tired and exhausted but not totally spent, there was reserves and I knew I'd run with in myself therefore I'd have been ok to continue.  Sarah was there waiting as ever and off we went straight away as it was after 8pm now and we were both shattered.  Bath and food was calling me and bed for Sarah.  Job done, what's next!!!!

 I'm feeling very inspired at the moment and my running ambitions are probably getting a bit carried away but why not hey its not hurting anyone and its making me fitter and healthier than I've ever been.  I just can't get enough of that feeling of trying something that seems so impossible (for me) that its actually mega appealing.   Crazy I know! I love the idea of extreme training for an extreme event. The harder it is the more I want to do it and enjoy the process.  Whilst in lockdown I've really tried to basically do as much as I can do with everything else.  I've honestly pushed myself to the extreme I feel, and anymore would have resulted in injury without being able to get massages etc. There is something about testing myself and setting that ridiculously early alarm and forcing myself to get up and prepared for a long run.  In my head they're like my mini-adventures.  I might not ever be able to climb up Everest or trek to the North Pole but I can have my own mini-adventures that push me to exhaustion and achieve things that others wouldn't even dream of trying.  I read constantly books on people achieving this, and that, running the length of Great Britain, across America, The Yukon, Badwater and treks across the artic, and all I can think about is why not me? So all I'm trying to do is have a go and get as close to what they've achieved as I can.  Preparing for an event is great, deciding on what kind of training I'm going to try and see how hard I can push myself physically and mentally and how determined I am at getting my body in the best shape possible for the attempt.  I'm now at the lowest weight I have ever been, or at least since I was about 14 lol!  I've dropped down from once bordering 16 stone, to hovering at 14.5 stone to now being not just under 14 but under 13.5 and heading towards the target of under 13.  This isn't me trying to be skinny and look better in clothes as I've never been motivated like that, its about me getting fitter and better prepared for long distance Ultra events.  I seriously want to achieve greater things and I've always been held back a little by my weight.  I never let it stop me don't get me wrong, but its now at the point where its one of the things I can do something about. I'm not a naturally fast runner so I have to work with what I've got and my theory is that I have to deal with the things I can do something about and not worry about the rest.

Along side these long runs I've been boshing out over the past 6-7 weeks which has been great but taken its toll on my body somewhat, I've been doing small workouts at home using bits of kit I've either bought or made.  This would be along the lines of doing a bit of a warm up so running on the spot incorporating star jumps and jumping split steps.  This would then progress to a routine of skipping say 100 jumps, 10 press-ups, 10 air squats followed by 10 burpees and sometimes adding a couple of laps of the garden or kettlebell swings or dumb bells or bar bell.   This has worked well in improving my overall fitness and calorie burning but also my mindset of running while tired or drained.  I've also used the stairs quite a lot as I think this really helps with cardio training and continuous effort for climbing those long drawn out inclines.  A new part to my training has arisen from getting Bertie the dog.  We head out for our walks with me car a ruck sack weighing 19kg.  The funny story to this is that for at least 3 months I thought it weighed more like 15kg, then one day I weighed myself wearing it and it turns out it is 19kg!!! Great for the legs and core muscles I've decided.

What's next? What's my plans for training and races oooo I'll let you know next time :)

 Push, push, push!  Its easy to just get into the mindset of unrelenting training and constant pushing.  Once I get into a routine, for example running 7 miles every day, I find it difficult to either stop or change it.  What I've found in having the training plan from Ronnie is that I get the variety needed, but I still get carried away and currently due to covid I'm definitely over training or at least in danger of over training if I don't reign it in. The Myzone heart rate training app is great and really helped me through this period but it's dangerous too as I get addicted and carried away.  It means I have to keep going every day so as not to miss out on the bloody points.  What I notice in the training, if say a run, the effort level stays the same or at least I mean I'm still trying as hard as possible but it becomes more and more difficult to get the desired heart rate.  So for the same run its a lot lower and therefore the points total is less so actually a little disappointing.  Throw in an odd rest day and boom, its straight back up there.  So is this the body saving energy knowing that this is now the daily routine therefore it needs to preserve reserves, and when its less regular it allows more fuel/energy to be used and allows it to deplete knowing its not every day???

So based on the theory above I've mixed it up a bit.  In February I really tried to put a big effort in, not only trying to lose a bit of weight which I did, and I tried to put in as many miles as possible with some big efforts every Sunday.  Pushing myself hard over the month actually led to a couple of niggly injuries that I knew weren't major but needed managing.  Knee's and hip were the main areas that needed constant stretching and focus.  What pleased me the most was being able to work through these longer distances such as 28,30 and 35 miles while slightly impeded by these injuries.  Not always advisable but I looked after them and I was able to rest in between runs as I'm not working at the moment.  This week I'm doing a few different things whilst allowing a bit of recovery, such as when I'm walking the dog I'm carrying a 15kg back pack so I'm still putting in a shift.  I did short sprints and hill repeats yesterday over a 4 mile distance, and back out with the dog this morning.  I intend to do a short workout this afternoon before long run tomorrow of 22 miles and 30 on Saturday or Sunday. 

I actually like this periods because I become a little more inventive with my training which gives me an extra edge.  What I've gained from the last few months apart from a greater fitness and weight loss, is stronger resilience and confidence from being able to just get out my back door and run.  

So my message today is, like the Nike logo says, "Just do it!" ..........

No excuse :)

Love this as it reminds me of something very important.  Once you get to the point of wanting to quit, that's when the journey really begins!!!